Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
