rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
