The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
