legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
