Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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