His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
