One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
