1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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