look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
