i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
a search helicopter?!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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