I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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