have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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