Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
