My underwear smells like fireworks.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
did you just send me my own nude
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
