I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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