census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Life without a bra equals bliss.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
