I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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