Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
