I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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