Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
