I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I did not marry a roomba.
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