I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
