I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
