ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
