i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
