Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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