Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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