So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
dude. I can hear the air.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
