I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
