She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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