I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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