enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize