Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
