I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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