i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
