To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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