Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
