at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
