im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
