Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
