is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
