we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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