So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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