So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
