When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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