Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
In America we eat man semen.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize