Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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