Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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