I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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