hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
how does that bad decision feel?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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