I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
