when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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