Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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