wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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