I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
