party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
