Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize