never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
