why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
