I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I need a beard to bite.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize