Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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