What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
