Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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