Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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