U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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