I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
