Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
