4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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