dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
