I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
