one word: firstdatebathroomanal
tell your sister to shave her snatch
This house was built for laser tag.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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