sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize