So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
